I'm not entirely cisgendered.
Nor am I completely
intergendered.
I'm a demi-man.
Some bits of the human brain are wired
slightly differently in male humans than in female humans.
And vice-versa. At least a fourth or more of those bits of
my brain are wired as female while the other, larger portion are
wired as male.
Some of these differences naturally tend to manifest themselves
in ways evident to really anyone tuned in to body
language. However, having lived in one right wing,
“conservative” culture or another nearly my entire life, I’ve of
necessity had to learn to “butch up” and train myself to first
learn and then practice to display the “correct” male response
to this and that situation and even subtle mannerisms.
This learning curve and the consequent additional processing
time in some situations have caused me grief in too many ways
throughout my life to get into here.
I’m an old man now, and I’m done with that. Henceforth, if
I should sip my coffee and my pinky finger drift outwards on its
own, I’m not stopping it anymore. It usually doesn’t
anymore, but I’m not ruling out it happening at some time.
Same goes for all those other suppressed cues in my
behavior. I’m not consciously going to flaunt my girly
side, but if she slips out on her own I’m no longer stopping
her.
In other words, if my feminine side should happen to show out, I
make no apology for it. Nor do I intend to make any then
conscious effort to hide or suppress it. It’s part of who
I am, and a natural manifestation of how God wired my individual
brain. I certainly don’t “flame,” but sometimes I do have
to remind people that I’m romantically and sexually attracted
only to females.
Nor am I going to call myself cisgendered anymore, because I’m
not. It took a little while to learn how to express it,
but I'm a heterosexual demi-man. And for the record, my
pronouns remain “he” “him” and “his.”
I've always just known, however, that my feminine natural
tendencies are deeper and more fundamental to my being than can
be dismissed by simply calling me a sissy. |